1st Edition

We're No Fun Anymore Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages Through the Power of Play

By Robert Schwarz, Elaine Braff Copyright 2012
    216 Pages 1 B/W Illustrations
    by Routledge

    216 Pages 1 B/W Illustrations
    by Routledge

    In the 21st century, we tend to expect more than ever from our relationships without knowing how to sustain them. Often a married couple juggling the many demands of life, work and children take their bond for granted. They fail to cultivate and nurture the positive interactions they share, neglecting the fun, playful and sexy side of the relationship. Over time, this neglect creates an increasing spiral of dysfunction. We’re No Fun Anymore reminds therapists and the couples they treat that marriage does not have to mean forfeiting the passion, playfulness and joy in a relationship. With 50 combined years of clinical experience backing it, the program outlined in this book will help to build up a relationship without first tearing it down, examining its weaknesses, or trying to fix its problems.

    Integrating findings from neuroscience, social psychology, positive psychology and marriage research, We’re No Fun Anymore shows couple therapists how to create and magnify positive energy between their clients to refortify the foundation of their relationship and help it stand strong, even in times of strife and crisis. Readers will find a practical (and fun) plan to get their marriage out of the rut that’s robbing it of fun, recapture the pleasure of dating, romance, and love, and revive the playful quality of sex that makes it the pleasurable and enjoyable experience it’s supposed to be. Clinicians will also get the bonus of increasing the fun that they have in their personal lives and in their clinical work with clients.

    Table of Contents

    Part I: Why We’re No Fun Any More

    Chapter 1: 10 Reasons Why It Is Important to Have Fun Again

    Freud believed that human beings are driven by two powerful forces: work and love. The authors of Why We’re No Fun Any More propose a third motivating force: play. To support this claim, they fill Chapter 1 with ten, research-based reasons why simple, inexpensive, no-risk play can help an ailing relationship. These reasons include:

    1. Play is an evolutionary necessity in relationships.
    2. Play allows couples a place for emotional discharge without risk.
    3. Play adds a sense of excitement to a marriage.
    4. Play increases the daily ratio of positive to negative interactions.
    5. Play promotes laughter and creates significantly positive changes in the body.
    6. Play pushes a person out of the safe but dull comfort zone into a place where a relationship can be fully explored and enjoyed.
    7. Play creates an attitude within a marriage that allows each partner to let go more easily of occasional anger and resentment.
    8. Play that produces a sense of joy is a physiological turn-on.
    9. Play may very well strengthen the bonds that tie marriage partners together for the long haul.
    10. The amount of time a couple plays together is one of the greatest predictors of overall martial happiness.

    Chapter 2: Marital Play Deficiency Disorder (MPDD)

    In the world of self help and mental health, a problem is not taken seriously unless it is given a name and letters. So the authors, with tongue-in-cheek, assigned a name to the disorder they see every day in their private practices: They call it Marital Play Deficiency Disorder (MPDD). If you’re married, you know MPDD is real.

    Here are some real statistics to support this new moniker. In the UK alone, 9 million couples are in sexless marriages according to a survey in Men’s Health magazine. Seventy percent of couples report a drop in their sexual satisfaction after the birth of their first child. Statistically that does not improve until the last child leaves home.

    In this chapter, the authors invite readers to take a self-test to identify their present stage of MPDD. The three given stages are then used throughout the book to help readers decide which interventions and strategies will be most useful for them. The three stages are:

    Stage 1: There is plenty of love and good will in the relationship. The main symptom is one of growing ennui and boredom.

    Stage 2: Romance is gone, except on rare occasions. The lack of play and positive energy has begun to eat away at the fabric of the relationship. There is growing dissatisfaction with the quantity and quality of sex, affection, and fun.

    Stage 3: This stage is best typified by the sexless marriage. The couple is not even trying anymore. There is little to no energy put into creating positive and playful moments with each other. There is considerable resentment, conflict, and perceived incompatibility.

    Chapter 3: "No: I Don’t Want Filet Mignon, Chocolate or Orgasms!" – And Other Misguided Objections to Creating a Joy-filled Marriage

    With dual-income families, over-scheduled children, and financial worries, couples are convinced that play must fall low on the priority list. In their work, the authors have heard many stories from unhappy partners justifying why they aren’t having any fun together. Because of these stories or blocks, individuals and couples choose to head down paths that lead to joylessness. Chapter 3 will identify these blocks and provide strategies for letting them go. Some include:

    The problems in my relationship are fundamentally too serious and deep to be solved with something as frivolous as play.

    We don’t have the time. We have work, chores, and obligations with the kids.

    Play is an unproductive waste of time.

    I’m feeling too much anger and resentment to feel playful with my spouse.

    We don’t enjoy the same type of play.

    I’ll get to it as soon as I am done with_______.

    Play becomes too competitive and stressful.

    Chapter 4: "Come on baby light my fire": The Couple Play Inventory

    In Chapter 4 therapists are given a unique tool in the "Couple Play Inventory," which gives them a clear picture of the gaps between what their clients would like to do, what they actually do, and what their partners would like to be doing. The goals of this inventory are: 1) to help therapists remind couples of what they enjoy doing together but never get around to doing 2) to pique interest in new activities that will bring couples pleasure, fun, and joy, and 3) to create an easy way to talk about fun and to prioritize it in daily living. As a result of this chapter therapists can help couples create a fun-filled action plan to increase the amount of passionate play in their life.

    Chapter 5: Five-to-one Odds Is a Good Bet on Your Marriage

    With a couple’s play analysis complete, this chapter will help improve their relationship.

    There are 20,000 moments in a day. There are no neutral moments. Each moment is either positive or negative, albeit mildly or strongly. It is not the number of negatives moments that cause the problems in marriage. It is the ratio of positives to negatives that matters. Research has shown that a couple needs at least five positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction to start improving a relationship. In Chapter 5, readers will apply the 5-to-1 rule by striving to create five positive moments for every one negative one each day.

    Part II: Creating Joy in Anything, Any Time and Anywhere

    Chapter 6: Getting Your Daily Laugh Quotient

    Studies have shown that 4-year-old children laugh an average of 400 times a day – adults laugh only 15 times a day. No wonder we’ve lost our sense of fun and joy. A good laugh has the potential to connect people to each other, refresh the brain, to relax the body, to heal, and to give one a new perspective on life.

    Chapter 6 emphasizes the importance of: 1) becoming a laughter creator, 2) becoming a laughter amplifier, 3) discovering the humor in problem patterns, 4) creating fun in mundane situations, and 5) laughing when tempted to take things too seriously.

    Chapter 7: "We’re no fun any more!": Everyday Rut Busting

    Chapter 7 offers therapists guidance to help rescue couples caught in dull routines. The focus of this chapter is teaching clients a plethora of creative, but simple, strategies to throw off the shackles of a boring existence. The strategies involve things like: the little black book, hit parade, little surprises, professor double speak, dream machine, foreign intrigue, give-to-get, dancing with the dishes, and the sexy-kiss-mystery-exit. These strategies provide ongoing lubrication to the engine of enthusiastic excitement for couples to co-create the marriage of their dreams each day of their lives.

    Chapter 8: Dates That Sizzle

    Chapter 8 teaches couples how to put novelty and freshness back into the marriage each time they go out together. It will give a guide to help avoid the five deadly mistakes that kill chemistry and passion: 1) talking about problems before or during the date, 2) having the same date over and over, 3) the woman always making the plans 4) listening – but not really, 5) blocking a partner’s attempts to give compliments or be playful.

    Chapter 9: Playful Passion: Rejuvenating Your Sex life

    If the joy of play is all about giving and receiving pleasure, then good sex should be at the top of your fun-things-to-do list. This chapter explores how couples can recharge and supercharge their relationship by using sexual energy and activity to create experiences of openness, lightheartedness, cooperation, humor, risk-taking, trust, creativity, vulnerability, silliness, surprise, spontaneity, and joy between you and your lover. And make no mistake about it, even though the authors are talking about the fun of sex, sex is anything but frivolous.

    Chapter 10: Lights, Action, Fantasy – The Secret Strategy for Creating a Long-term Passionately Playful Relationship

    Acting out and fulfilling fantasies is a critical component of a romantic relationship. Unfortunately we often do not know our partner’s fantasy life or we have fantasies that conflict (he wants adventure/she wants security, for example). Play, again, to the rescue. Through fantasy play, one can fulfill those unspoken needs and desires and at the same time bring passion back into the relationship.

    When one person in a couple can chose to be the actor in their partner’s play fantasy they create a rare level of intimacy. In Chapter 10 the authors will describe what blocks couples from playing in each other’s fantasy life on a daily basis, and what they can do to change this.

    Appendix: Suggested Activities for Couples

    The Appendix will include:

    1. A brief, annotated review of some fun board games for couples
    2. Instructions on brief, easy-to-do, hilarious play and creativity exercises for couples taken from the author’s workshops and comic improve. experiences
    3. Special coupons and offers for vacations and fun getaways (with updates on website)
    4. Annotated review of romantic and erotic poetry
    5. Annotated review of music for dancing
    6. Annotated review of humor books, DVDs, etc.

    Biography

    Robert Schwarz, Psy.D., DCEP, is a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist. He has been in private practice for more than 25 years and is the Executive Director of the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology.

    Elaine Braff, M.P.S., A.T.R., is an expressive arts therapist, couples coach, marriage educator, and Master Leader of the nationally acclaimed PAIRS marriage education course. She’s been in private practice for 31 years in South Orange, New Jersey.

    "The family that plays together stays together. Elaine Braff and Robert Schwarz eloquently remind us that just resolving conflict will not save a marriage. They do more than tell us that we need to have fun together; they show us how to do it." – Steven Stosny, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Love Without Hurt

    "Robert Schwarz and Elaine Braff are insightful, experienced therapists who present a fresh and lively approach to couples therapy that is highly practical. Helping couples cultivate positive playful attitudes and behaviors is vital to marital satisfaction. Focusing on the positive aspects of relationships like laughter, humor, and fun creates a common bond between the sexes that can help sustain love." —John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

    "This book should be handed out with each marriage license and be required reading for every couples counselor. It’s complete and is all that’s needed to help couples play together and stay together. I review so many books about marriage, but this one is truly unique. Instead of how to manage conflict, it’s all about how to manage fun. Instead of how to fight fair, it’s all about how to play with abandon. You can’t read it without feeling optimistic, inspired, energized and determined to put more frolic and gusto in your marriage and your practice." —Diane Sollee, MSW, Director, SmartMarriages.com  

    "Therapists tend to be serious types and our interventions are not known for their chuckle factor. This refreshing and original book shows how to reawaken play in the lives of couples, from flirting to big surprises, from planned silliness to erotic delights. The authors ask therapists to lighten up and enjoy themselves more." —William J. Doherty, University of Minnesota, USA; author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart