If It Bleeds, It Leads An Anatomy Of Television News

* Disclaimer: Everything you are about to read is true Hour One: Syndicated Talk (The Actual Program You See Will Vary Depending on Where You Live) * 4:00:00 pm Station Identification * 4:00:05 pm Opening Montage (Roll Tape) * 4:00:35 pm Meet the Hosts * 4:05:00 pm Meet the Guests * 4:10:00 pm Supply Medical Treatment for the Guests * 4:12:20 pm Begin First Protracted Shoving, Punching, and Deleted Dialogue Segment Between Best Friends Who Care About Each Other a Lot * 4:13:15 pm Add Fuel to Fire; Cue Second Bounder * 4:13:27 pm Begin 2-Minute 45-Second Sibling Shoving, Punching, and Deleted Dialogue Segment * 4:16:12 pm Add More Fuel to Fire; Alert Hospital to Prepare for Injuries * 4:18:02 pm Everyone Realizes This Is the Show * 4:23:30 pm Prepare to Pay Bouncers Overtime Hour Two: Live at Five (Dead by Six) * 5:00:00 pm Tease * 5:00:30 pm Inventing a Riot * 5:02:45 pm A Reassuring Segue * 5:03:00 pm Only Popular Restaurants Are Dangerous * 5:05:50 pm Tease * 5:06:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Will Be on Television * 5:09:00 pm Feeling the Barometric Pressure * 5:11:45 pm What Ever Happened to the Story About the Breast Implants? * 5:12:00 pm Movie-or Reality? * 5:15:00 pm The Great Baking Powder Incident * 5:15:52 pm Tease * 5:16:00 pm Promo * 5:16:15 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a Newswriter * 5:20:00 pm First Feature: It Could Happen Any Time Without Warning * 5:23:30 pm Segue into Terrifying Weather * 5:24:00 pm Air Quality * 5:25:00 pm Weather Time-Out: How You Can Be a Weathercaster * 5:29:00 pm Dessert * 5:30:00 pm How Many Times Can One Car Smash into a House? * 5:31:40 pm Minor Injuries, Major Pictures * 5:32:10 pm Wicked Winds * 5:33:55 pm Tease * 5:34:00 pm Ad Time-Out: May Is the Cruelest Month. Februarys Not So Great, Either * 5:37:00 pm Second Feature: Extreme Sex * 5:39:55 pm Whats Really Important in Philadelphia * 5:40:00 pm Exactly Why Do They Need Weather Reports in San Diego? * 5:42:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a News Director * 5:45:00 pm Score! * 5:47:55 pm Now, an Ad for an Ad * 5:48:30 pm Third Feature: Implants * 5:50:50 pm After the Surgery * 5:51:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a Star * 5:55:30 pm More Sex, Please * 5:56:00 pm Dave Loves Cheesesteaks * 5:59:00 pm Lock Those Doors-and Come Back at Eleven Hour Three: Network * 6:00:00 pm Tease * 6:00:25 pm War Stories * 6:02:10 pm Excuse Me? * 6:05:00 pm But Enough About You * 6:07:20 pm Up Next * 6:07:30 pm Promo * 6:07:45 pm Ad Time-Out: Lets Have an Impeachment! * 6:10:00 pm Al Gore Gets a Surprise Makeover * 6:12:00 pm Down to Size * 6:13:35 pm Tease * 6:13:40 pm Promo * 6:14:00 pm Ad Time-Out: Fear at 6:16, Outrage at 6:20 * 6:16:00 pm Scary Cars * 6:18:00 pm Scary Phones * 6:20:00 pm Feeling Fleeced * 6:22:30 pm Tease * 6:22:35 pm Promo * 6:23:00 pm Ad Time-Out: Take the Fear and Outrage Challenge! * 6:26:00 pm Freaky, Roof-Busting Great Balls of Hail * 6:28:30 pm Promo * 6:28:50 pm Promo * 6:29:00 pm Promo * 6:29:15 pm Promo * 6:29:20 pm Promo * 6:29:25 pm Promo * 6:29:40 pm Promo * 6:29:45 pm Promo * 6:29:50 pm Promo * 6:29:59 pm Fade Out Postscript: The Sky Keeps Falling * 9:59:15 pm News * 9:59:30 pm TV Show * 9:59:45 pm Mini-Series * 10:00:00 pm News * 10:27:30 pm News * 10:34:00 pm News * 10:45:20 pm Mini-Series * 10:57:15 pm News

Biography

Matthew Robert Kerbel